Reaching Out, Sorting Out

First, let me say I am always astounded when I come back to this blog and see comments. My thanks to those who posted below. And my apologies for bringing up the old business with Hotspur, and for suggesting that I would have handled things with less decorum, or whatever I said.

Would I have? The one time I was a second in actual dual negotiations (and Caledon really does not duel, one famous haiku example as the exception)....I was new to Caledon, and though there had been hurts and history on both sides of the conflict that I did know, I did all I could in my power, working with Major Margulis (at the time) to achieve resolution without conflict. This is the role of seconds until the Field is taken anyway; the issue came to apologies and all was well.

And H is right in his post. What greater good would be served? The actual history of duelling, especially the deadly duels (pistols did not help) is one of utter idiocy; a man with a mind no less extraordinary than Alexander Hamilton (though he and I would not agree on everything, he was brilliant and deeply influential to our democracy nonetheless) was laid out and left behind his widow over his god damned "Honor," the word he himself used in the letter he wrote his wife before the match.

And not to get heavy on anybody here, but how can Tele, and his typist, claim to be a Christian (though of the liberal variety....as in pro gay marriage, "low" view of scripture, Episcopalian, orthopraxy over orthodoxy type) and not forgive his enemies when it is possible?

Oh, before I forget, my apologies to the Merry Widows....I made an appt. with them which I still do not remember making (though I would not doubt my Ward at all in this regard). The nature of the appt? Chuckles. Let us keep that a mystery.

I need to talk about an incident last night, and while I have removed this blog from my in world profile, my full avatar name is here and any know who me in world can google it in a blip. (I don't think one would get many other hits with the name my avatar has...) So, I approach this very carefully. But I am home alone all weekend, my wife and son out of town...and I need to talk. And while I may not be active in Caledon currently, I damn sure know where to go when I need to reach out and talk like this: my Caledon (past or present) blog audience. My Gorean friends may find this blog, but I know no one there well enough to sort this out with...and I trust the general collective consciousness of the Realm of the Rose, if that makes any sense.

Oh, I am very sad. Sad and I must be careful of "outing" information here I should not. A few of you will know who I am talking about. Most won't, though.

I have an Very Old Friend, let us call him vof; one of the very first I met in sl, and one who was very close to me in my old Gorean sim. He is surely in the top three or four people in sl I actually and truly care about in rl too. Even when we do not interact much, I simply love him and think he is a fantastic role player. He has had difficulties in his rl lately which I will not discuss, and with is PC, and we have not been in world much. But last night, very late, he came to visit me in my new City.

And he came in full Gorean mood.

There are many pieces to Gor, and it must be remembered the role play in sl, anything that goes by the name Gor, is drawn from a series of hack sci fi novels by a professor who was playing with a number of themes (I say this, having read all of two of the books, with effort). But one theme, surely, is dominance, male over female, male over male...in the real world that occurs all the time; in the workplace, in sports, not uncommonly in the bedroom (the woman's hands held down during sex from time to time, with her consent....the same woman who during the day might be anything but submissive....Gor is about that kind of male/female submission; not the kind we see in fundamental Christianity, say).

In general, I find such sexual domination and subordination likely harmless for most. For some, these themes define their sexual lives, and I have no comment to make on that. I do not know enough about it.

The other thing I would like my (gentle) readers to keep in mind is the kind of dominance activity we see in dogs, or in the wild, with wolves. Put sexual submission and that kind of alpha dog behavior together, and you have a feeling for what is most of Gor.

The funny thing is, I'm not really into either of those things, in world or out? What am I doing in Gor? Finding Brotherhood, combat, and fun role play which for me remains sex free. Does that make me less Gorean? Sure. Do I care. Nope. Not unless I am criticized or asked to leave my City for it, which has never happened; at which point I would point out to whatever avatar was criticizing me that I remain chaste in world because I have an ACTUAL WIFE WHO LOVES ME in the fucking real world, and if you cannot support that over role play in the cartoon zone, you can fuck off, and in that role play, Odin help you if I lay you out then. No, everyone in my new City has been cool on this issue. They promoted me too damned fast, I think from reading my profile, which means I owe the Duchess another favor...my knighthood status elsewhere may have had impact there; who knows.

Okay, enough of that.

Now, I was also promoted quickly because I know the melee weapons well: spear and blade and above all axe. Especially in an arena setting. For let me tell you, in the open woods, with multiple fighters, and weapons switching from bow to blade and everyone running like mad and numbers often uneven...it ain't the arena anymore.

So, back to my narrative (sorry for the Moby Dick type excursion)...last night my vof, someone whose heart I truly love, someone whom I have spoken to in actual voice a number of times, showed up at my City. And he in full alpha male motif....different than I had seen him before. In short, our Ubar, or King, was there and while vof and I sparred in the Arena (and I adjusted to his style again, and began to beat him and not just get beat) my Ubar, impressed, asked if I would step out so he could spar with the vof. Sure, I said. With the Ubar was a girl under his care, a slave or bond maid, who he explained to my friend right off when he asked about girls was white silk, or virginal and not sexually available. I do not know this girl, I have never hung out with the Ubar before he is so far above me in rank, and I do not and did not know if she, like me, had merely chosen that state for her rp or is merely "in training" awaiting her first experience. So, while I was in the Arena with somebody else (not from my City, but an ally) I could hear Vof kind of rankling with the Ubar about her; nothing serious, but the Ubar was making himself clear. I, of course, had introduced Vof in the utterly highest possible terms. And this was not some City he and I wandered into in sl Gor; this is now my City (one another member of my prior sim, one I did not know well, completely insulted in IM when he asked me to join another Northern sim....Fuck Fina is what he said....I drew the line quickly with that man; he was the First Axe, but in the one tourney I fought in there, he fell to mine).

Anyway, so I held my ground well with Vof. The Ubar, unused to axe and walking combat (as opposed to running) did not do as well, though he took him down once or twice, fact is, Vof was smoking him pretty good. And when I went into the Arena with another man present, an ally of my City but not a City member, again, a man I know can take me down with a bow in the woods, I man I have fought side by side with against outlaws in the forest (and watched us be the last two standing....it was not my bow that did so well there, I assure all, for I suck at bow) I beat him with the spear handily. The really ranked fighters of my City were not there, the First, the Second, the Lt.

Anyway, everyone was quite impressed with Vof, as fighter but also as role player. He was different, and I think that is because of what is going on in his rl which I will not say anything about here. But he was absolutely dominating, like an animal, this entire group; subtly, saying little, but it was simply happening. When one of the men took out a horn helmet, similar to his, he stepped over and stood right in the (by comparison) puny man's face and began to ask him about the North. All the while in this wonderful Northern accent he has invented. It was funny, and I was okay with all so far. But when he walked over to the white silk girl, the one wearing the Ubar's own name in her tag, and rp'd pushing her legs apart (white silk girls kneel with their legs together in what is called "tower," while red silk (sexually available girls, and that can be restricted to one lover or to the whole world, whatever the girl wants) sit with their legs wide apart, in nadu. That nadu pose is important in the novels as it allows the men to see...well, okay, this is a Caledon blog but you get the idea.

Anyway, he tried to push her legs apart so he could "see" her better. I was standing right there. He even said something about, now that the Ubar is distracted....but clearly in his hearing. It came damned close to a combat challenge to the Ubar himself, and I was standing there, a sworn Guard of the City, even to me. I can say if any other non-Finian had attempted such a thing, I would have stepped in immediately and demanded he cease; if he did not, I would have drawn down on him right then. It is, frankly, my job. And again, being honest, I did not know if the girl was rejecting sexual rp in world as I do, or simply waiting to be "opened." But those who know me begin to understand how intense this became for me, and how quickly.

I went into IM and told the girl to keep her legs together, as the Ubar has commanded her. And then my Vof goes into IM and tells me he does not think much of my City, its Ubar, its Warriors, or its girls. He insults the south, as I recall, something I get sick of hearing from Northern men I consider my friends. In short, while Vof respects me and my "Steel," he did not think much of the Ubar and was pushing that point.

Now, the funny thing is, the girl said she was okay to me in IM. And when right after this, when I began to talk back to him in IM and he simply poofed, she actually wrote me and said...awwww, I was hoping for some actual rp. Sighs. So, apparently, she was in fact charmed or at least okay with my friend the alpha wolf. I, however, was not okay with the insult to my Ubar, nor to my City, nor, by default, to me.

So I tp'd home to Caledon and we went into it in the IM. And it fucking sucked. It sucked. I mean it hurt. I heard all about him finding his Inner Jarl, about how dominance of the female by the male is the natural order, etc. Again, I think these points are accentuated by difficult circumstances in his rl at the moment, but I was not really impressed at the time. He even cited a past instance of a rl lover whose submission he "saw;" I had to remind him that relationship has ended. Anway, it got the point where he did not actually call me out, but he said he was ready to fight me over this, that he was pissed and ready for a good fight.

Oh, that hurt like shit.

And so I did the best thing I could: I got out of rp mode. I called him by his rl name. I reminded him I had never spoken an unkind to him or to anyone about him. And that if he feels like a fight, I can give him a list of names of rp assholes I have run into already (none who live in my City). Why fight his Salt Brother (the highest bond in the North)?

That, finally, after too many very bad minutes, did the trick. Stepping out of the rp and telling him how much I cared about him. The man who one minute earlier was ready to face me, right then, on any ground in a fight to the death (and in Gor, we could have done it in a blink, right in that arena...and if he had lost, there would have been consequences; if he had won, the men of my City would likely have hunted him down and hung his hide from the City wall...sorry, but that is must my guess). That man who was raging pissed and ready to fight me suddenly tells me he loves me. And I told him I loved him, and have always said so.

So, it ended then, too late, 3 a.m. my time, far from resolved, but done for the time being. I do not expect to see him in my City anytime soon, though I would like to see him spar some of the better fighters just to prove the point...an ethic, a rule which uses skill with force to achieve what one desires (Steel is the currency of the Warrior and with it he purchases what he wishes....from the novels) will eventually lead to going up against one who is better than you are, or against more than one...and you will lose. No one wins every time. He would in fact admit this, I think, and accept his defeat. But he truly believes he has gone complete Gorean now, at the core of who he is...and I do not know what lies in our future as friends. We have not yet spoken about any of this since then and I have not been in world. This post (hence the reaching out) is my attempt to sort out my own head and feelings before I go back into the world of notecards and open chat.

Then, concluding, all see why I feel bad about what I said in the post below. What do challenges among actual friends solve in rp? Nothing. Now, against an aggressive enemy in the rp, that is different.

But the fact is I like my new City, I have fun there, I have met what I think are great guys (and a number of whom can lay me out most times, and Vof and I fought about even last night) and the fact is Fina, and my continent in general, is considered not Gorean enough by many, or, the famous phrase, Disney Gor, because we allow rp with women avatars (panthers, even, oh holy shock, female outlaws). The novels are in fact not consistent about armed women (I only know this because of the constant arguments one hears about this, where texts from the books are used) in whether Gorean women are simply "weak as 12 year old boys" or in fact do show up as armed outlaws and fighters in spots in the novels. And in the two books I read, there is a constant tug in the text between what is Gor and what Gor should ethically be, what the protagonist, one from Earth, thinks about all the violence and sexual slavery around him. Slavery which is sometimes loving, sometimes merely brutal. Fact is, Norman does not have the talent to provide a consistent vision regarding such complicated themes, imho. Fact is, the Warrior code in the books is fantasy-embraced by men and boys, most of whom will never fight anyone in the real world and know the real terror and actual result of violence (I said most, not all); and the dominance sexual scenes were written for fantasy sexual stimulation, and I would wager, mostly result in readers dominating nothing but their own weenies for some fun self release (and hey, I'm a guy here...I know how it is to be a guy, especially a young guy). To try to embrace the Gor model as an actual rule of life....no one does that even though many claim to be rl Gorean. I hear that all the time...I am Gorean! the real deal! Both worlds? Oh yeah? I do not think so. There are guys in fact living something close to that. But they're not reading Norman. They are warlords in fucking Afghanistan, killing and raping at will. Etc.

But I cannot say how much the events of last night hurt! I have cried over them. I woke up this morning hurting. It may be he and I can exchange apologies and move on. I have to admit, what he was doing was in fact very "Gorean." And when I told him I would have had to step in and defend the girl, he admitted that was true. He never insulted me personally. But he insulted my Ubar and City, etc., and I found that very painful. Oh, when I told him that I was hurt, that turned the conversation too. He did not mean to hurt me, he said.

Shit.

I do not sleep well when my rl is out of town, and I am tired now. Two nights in world way too late, way too late, and I have much to do this weekend anyway. I may go back in world today, don't know. Likely, some, I will.

So, there it is my friends. I think I kept confidences as best I could and told my side of the story; used "I statements" as they say in therapy. I think this guy is a great guy; I think playing alpha male with human men has some benefits and can surely be fun in world (I do not think I was ever good at it rl though I did a lot of martial arts, and it actually made it hard for me to date, I think....but then I was afraid of women to boot) but alpha wolf style can only go so far! Most women want a guy who is strong but also sensitive. Who makes them feel protected, but also is tender and controls his temper. Whatever. I don't know what they want. I continue to try to figure out what my wife, and we have been together a dozen years, wants and needs via my own thick headed skull.

One thing I do know she would want is my own chastity in world. Even just a cartoon world. And that is why I keep to it, even though that fact now seems known all over my sim...that part of my profile has been read, anyway.

My love to all. Including Vof who does not read this blog or have this link (to my knowledge, but hey, this is the internet). Perhaps I simply over reacted. Am not Gorean enough myself. I have never pretended to be anything but whom I am.

I will note, I have seen my Ubar go out and challenge an outlaw to single combat, a man whose skill he did not know, when he had a half dozen warriors who would have backed him up (he beat the man down until he fled with low meter). He is a strong leader, in my opinion, and I have seen him be just as Gorean as my friend in his way. A dangerous and bloody man to cross. But the last thing I wanted was a Friend I invited to visit getting into that kind of mayhem with an Ubar I barely know but am sworn to fight for. Vof can play alpha wolf anyplace he wishes, but not in my sim. And truth is, had it come to that, I do not think it would have gone well for Vof in the long run; he underestimates the Warriors of my City. Violence, as MLK notes, always begets violence. Even if conflict accelerated to a challenge and Vof had won (and he might well have, but I cannot say; at that point, it would have been a quite different kind of fight...and Vof might himself had backed down when the Ubar stood up for the girl) it would have been an outrage. I might myself have taken the field against Vof, a man I consider Brother over all others in Gor. There were other men present who would likely have dropped him with bows after he took down the Ubar. And if that did not happen, his little Northern sim, for all their pride, might well have been raided by a large force who does raiding combat and raid defense every single day. What a bloody, bloody, mess. I could no longer have spoken up for him as Brother to my own fellow Finians. It would have been between my new City and him....you see, what he was doing was not thought through in its impact to me.

Course, I cannot read the Ubar's mind; he might have found the whole thing funny or simply great rp and rolled with it, not seeing what Vof was doing as an insult at all, but simply the correct Gorean male thing to do.

Human beings are at some level sexual animals, and dominance may be attractive in various ways, but we are also rational animals, in my view also spiritual animals, and those two things completely change how we must manage our animal selves (for that part surely persists in us all).

Well, I have made similar mistakes myself.

This goes out, as the last, unedited and as is. Sorry, but as an English guy, have to do the disclaimer.